If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
