so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
