If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
