Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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