I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
