I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
