i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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