i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
