if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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