Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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