I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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