I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
