A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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