i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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