I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
