some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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