so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
