he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
