dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
