i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
