Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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