She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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