Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
