i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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