she looked like the bat from fern gully.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
