Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
