Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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