Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
