You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My life is pants optional.
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