I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
