I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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