my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
