OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
