Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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