Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
