I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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