i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
