my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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