i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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