i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
