Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
