I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
