True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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