i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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