the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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