Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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