You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
