I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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