Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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