I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
