please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
