i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
