doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
