I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
