So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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