How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
