i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize