I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize