just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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