So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
as a side note pls kill me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
