i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
