Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
