I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize