how can u be prego again
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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