Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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